[Act 2, Scene 3]
Enter Sir Toby, and Sir Andrew.
Andrew: not to bee a bedde after
midnight, is to be vp betimes, and
Deliculo surgere, thou
Nay by my troth I know not: but I know, to
be vp late, is to be vp late.
A false conclusion: I hate it as an vnfill'd Canne.
To be vp after midnight, and to go to bed then is early:
so that to go to bed after midnight, is to goe to bed be
times. Does not our liues consist of the foure Ele
Faith so they say, but I thinke it rather consists
of eating and drinking.
Th'art a scholler; let vs therefore eate and drinke
Marian I say, a stoope of wine.
Heere comes the foole yfaith.
How now my harts: Did you neuer see the Pic
ture of we three?
Welcome asse, now let's haue a catch.
By my troth the foole has an excellent breast. I
had rather then forty shillings I had such a legge, and so
sweet a breath to sing, as the foole has. Insooth thou wast
in very gracious fooling last night, when thou spok'st of
Pigrogromitus, of the
Vapians pasing the Equinoctial of
Queubus: 'twas very good yfaith: I sent thee sixe pence
for thy Lemon, hadst it?
I did impeticos thy gratillity: for
is no Whip‑stocke. My Lady has a white hand, and the
Mermidons are no bottle‑ale houses.
Excellent: Why this is the best fooling, when
all is done. Now a song.
Come on, there is sixe pence for you. Let's haue
There's a testrill of me too: if one knight giue a
Would you haue a loue‑song, or a song of good
A loue song, a loue song.
I, I. I care not for good life.
O Mistris mine where are you roming?
O stay and heare, your true loues coming,
That can sing both high and low.
Trip no further prettie sweeting.
Iourneys end in louers meeting,
Euery wise mans sonne doth know.
Excellent good, ifaith.
What is loue, tis not heereafter,
Present mirth, hath present laughter:
What's to come, is still vnsure.
In delay there lies no plentie,
Then come kisse me sweet and twentie:
Youths a stuffe will not endure.
A mellifluous voyce, as I am true knight.
A contagious breath.
Very sweet, and contagious ifaith.
To heare by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
But shall we make the Welkin dance indeed? Shall wee
rowze the night‑Owle in a Catch, that will drawe three
soules out of one Weauer? Shall we do that?
And you loue me, let's doo't: I am dogge at a
Byrlady sir, and some dogs will catch well.
rtaine: Let our Catch be,
Hold thy peace, thou Knaue knight. I shall be con
strained in't, to call thee knaue, Knight.
'Tis not the first time I haue constrained one to
call me knaue. Begin foole: it begins,
Hold thy peace.
I shall neuer begin if I hold my peace.
Good ifaith: Come begin.
What a catterwalling doe you keepe heere? If
my Ladie haue not call'd vp her Steward
bid him turne you out of doores, neuer trust me.
My Lady's a
Catayan, we are politicians,
a Peg‑a‑ramsie, and
Three merry men be wee. Am not I
consanguinious? Am I not of her blood: tilly vally. La
There dwelt a man in Babylon, Lady, Lady.
Beshrew me, the knights in admirable fooling.
I, he do's well enough if he be dispos'd, and so
do I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it more
O the twelfe day of December.
For the loue o' God peace.
My masters are you mad? Or what are you?
Haue you no wit, manners, nor honestie, but to gabble
like Tinkers at this time of night? Do yee make an Ale
house of my Ladies house, that ye squeak out your Cozi
ers Catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice?
Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
We did keepe time sir in our Catches. Snecke vp.
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My Lady
bad me tell you, that though she harbors you as her kins
man, she's nothing ally'd to your disorders. If you can
separate your selfe and your misdemeanors, you are wel
come to the house: if not, and it would please you to take
leaue of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.
Farewell deere heart, since I must needs be gone.
Nay good Sir
His eyes do shew his dayes are almost done.
Is't euen so?
But I will neuer dye.
Toby there you lye.
This is much credit to you.
Shall I bid him go.
What and if you do
Shall I bid him go, and spare not?
O no, no, no, no, you dare not.
Out o' tune sir, ye lye: Art any more then a Stew
ard? Dost thou thinke because thou art vertuous, there
shall be no more Cakes and Ale?
Anne, and Ginger shall bee hotte y'th
Th'art i'th right. Goe sir, rub your Chaine with
crums. A stope of Wine
Mistris Mary, if you priz'd my Ladies fauour
at any thing more then contempt, you would not giue
meanes for this vnciuill rule; she shall know of it by this
Go shake your eares.
'Twere as good a deede as to drink when a mans
a hungrie, to challenge him the field, and then to breake
promise with him, and make a foole of him.
Doo't knight, Ile write thee a Challenge: or Ile
deliuer thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
Sweet Sir Toby be patient for to night: Since
the youth of the Counts was to day with my Lady, she is
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Maluolio, let me alone
with him: If I do not gull him into an ayword, and make
him a common recreation, do not thinke I haue witte e
nough to lye straight in my bed: I know I can do it.
Possesse vs, possesse vs, tell vs something of him.
Marrie sir, sometimes he is a kinde of Puritane.
O, if I thought that, Ide beate him like a dogge.
What for being a Puritan, thy exquisite reason,
I haue no exquisite reason for't, but I haue reason
The diu'll a Puritane that hee is, or any thing
constantly but a time‑pleaser, an affection'd Asse, that
cons State without booke, and vtters it by great swarths.
The best perswaded of himselfe: so cram'd (as he thinkes)
with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith, that
that looke on him, loue him: and on that vice in him,
my reuenge finde notable cause to worke.
What wilt thou do?
I will drop in his way some obscure Epistles of
loue, wherein by the colour of his beard, the shape of his
legge, the manner of his gate, the expressure of his eye,
forehead, and complection, he shall finde himselfe most
feelingly personated. I can write very like my Ladie
your Neece, on a forgotten matter wee can hardly make
distinction of our hands.
Excellent, I smell a deuice.
I hau't in my nose too.
He shall thinke by the Letters that thou wilt drop
that they come from
my Neece, and
that shee's in loue
My purpose is indeed a horse of that colour.
And your horse now would make him an Asse.
Asse, I doubt not.
O twill be admirable.
Sport royall I warrant you: I know my Phy
sicke will worke with him, I will plant you two, and let
the Foole make a third, where he shall finde the Letter:
obserue his construction of it: For this night to bed, and
dreame on the euent: Farewell.
Before me she's a good wench.
She's a beagle true bred, and one that adores me:
I was ador'd once too.
Let's to bed knight: Thou hadst neede send for
If I cannot recouer your Neece, I am a foule way
Send for money knight, if thou hast her not i'th
end, call me Cut.
If I do not, neuer trust me, take it how you will.
Come, come, Ile go burne some Sacke, tis too late
to go to bed now: Come knight, come knight.