[Act 2, Scene 2]
Pistoll, Robin, Quickly, Bardolffe,
I will not lend thee a penny.
Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I,
with sword will open.
Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you
should lay my
countenance to pawne: I haue grated vp
on my good
friends for three Repreeues for you, and
Nim; or else you had
the grate, like a Geminy of
Baboones: I am damn'd in
hell, for swearing to
Gentlemen my friends, you were
good Souldiers, and
tall‑fellowes. And when Mistresse
Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I
took't vpon mine ho
nour thou hadst it
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
Reason, you roague, reason: thinkst thou Ile
danger my soule,
at a word, hang no more about
mee, I am no gibbet for you:
goe, a short knife, and a
throng, to your Mannor of
Pickt‑hatch: goe, you'll not
beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon
honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is
as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor
I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of
the left hand, and hiding mine
honor in my necessity, am
faine to shufflle: to
hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you
en‑sconce your raggs; your
red‑lattice phrases, and your bold‑
beating‑oathes, vnder the shelter of your honor?
will not doe it? you?
I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
Sir, here's a woman would speake with you.
Let her approach.
Giue your worship good morrow.
Not so, and't please your worship.
Good maid then.
Ile be sworne,
As my mother was the first houre I was borne.
I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
Shall I vouch‑safe your worship a word, or
Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
There is one Mistresse
Ford, (Sir) I
pray come a
little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell
with M. Doctor
Well, on; Mistresse
Your worship saies very true: I pray your wor
come a little neerer this waies.
I warrant thee, no‑bodie heares: mine owne
mine owne people
Are they so? heauen‑blesse them, and make
Ford, what of
Why, Sir; shee's a good‑creature; Lord, Lord,
your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you,
and all of vs, I pray—
Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you
brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis
full: the best Courtier of them all
(when the Court lay
could neuer haue brought her to such a Ca
yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and
tlemen, with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach
Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift,
smelling so sweet
ly; all Muske, and so rushling, I
warrant you, in silke
and golde, and in such alligant
termes, and in such wine
and suger of the best, and
the fairest, that would haue
wonne any womans heart:
and I warrant you, they could
neuer get an
eyeߛwinke of her: I had my selfe twentie
giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in
sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and
warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe
a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has
beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I
warrant you all is one with her.
But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
notifie, that her husband will be absence from his
house, betweene ten and eleuen.
Ten, and eleuen.
I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the
picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master
Ford her hus
band will be from home: alas, the
sweet woman leades
an ill life with him: hee's a
very iealousie‑man; she leads
a very frampold life
with him, (good hart.)
Ten, and eleuen.
Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her.
Why, you say well: But I haue another messen
your worship: Mistresse
commendations to you to: and let mee tell you
eare, shee's as fartuous a ciuill
modest wife, and one (I
tell you) that will not
misse you morning nor euening
prayer, as any is in
Windsor, who ere bee the other: and
shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is
dome from home, but she hopes there will come a
I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I haue no other charmes.
Blessing on your heart for't.
But I pray thee tell me this: has
Pages wife acquainted
each other, how they loue me?
That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris
would desire you to send her
your little Page of al loues:
her husband has a maruellous
to the little Page:
Page is an honest man:
neuer a wife in
Windsor leades a
better life then she do's: doe what shee
what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when
list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and
deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in
is one: you must
send her your Page, no remedie.
Why, I will.
Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may
come and goe
betweene you both: and in any case haue
that you may know one anothers minde,
and the Boy neuer
neede to vnderstand any thing; for'
tis not good
that children should know any wickednes:
olde folkes you
know, haue discretion, as they say, and
Farethee‑well, commend mee to them both:
there's my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe
with this woman, this newes distracts
This Puncke is one of
Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your fights:
Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all.
Saist thou so (old
Iacke) go thy
waies: Ile make
more of thy olde body then I haue done: will
looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of
money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee:
them say 'tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done,
Iohn, there's one Master
Broome below would
with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your
worship a mornings draught of Sacke.
Broome is his name?
Call him in: such
Broomes are welcome to
that ore'flowes such liquor: ah ha,
'Blesse you sir.
And you sir: would you speake with me?
I encompass'd you? goe to,
I make bold, to presse, with so little prepara
You'r welcome, what's your will? giue vs leaue
Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much,
my name is
Broome, I desire more
Iohn, I sue for yours: not to
you, for I must let you vnderstand, I
thinke my selfe in
better plight for a
Lender, then you are: the which hath
me to this vnseason'd intrusion:
for they say, if
money goe before, all waies doe lye
Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on.
Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere trou
if you will helpe to beare it (Sir
or halfe, for easing me of the carriage.
Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your
I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the
Speake (good Master
Broome) I shall
be glad to
be your Seruant.
Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me,
had neuer so good means as desire, to make my
acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
wherein I must very much lay open mine owne
perfection: but (good Sir
Iohn) as you haue one eye vp
on my follies,
as you heare them vnfolded, turne another
Register of your owne, that I may passe with a
reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it
is to be such an offender.
Very well Sir, proceed.
There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her
husbands name is
I haue long lou'd her, and I protest to you,
stowed much on her: followed her with a
seruance: Ingross'd opportunities
to meete her: fee'd e
uery slight occasion
that could but nigardly giue mee
sight of her: not only
bought many presents to giue her,
but haue giuen largely
to many, to know what shee
would haue giuen:
briefly, I haue pursu'd her, as Loue
pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all
occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my
minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued
none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue
sed at an infinite rate, and that hath
taught mee to say
a shadow flies, when substance Loue pursues,
“Pursuing that that flies, and flying what
Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Of what qualitie was your loue then?
Like a fair house, built on another mans ground,
so that I
haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place,
where I erected it.
To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
When I haue told you that, I haue told you all:
that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in
shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there
construction made of her. Now (Sir
is the heart of my purpose:
you are a gentleman of ex
admirable discourse, of great admit
authenticke in your place and person, generally
allow'd for your many war⸗like,
court‑like, and learned
Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money,
spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely
giue me so much of your time
in enchange of it, as to lay
an amiable siege to the
honesty of this
Fords wife: vse
your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
man may, you may as soone as any.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection that I should win what you would
thinkes you prescribe to your selfe very
O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule
not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
against. Now, could I come to her with any
in my hand; my desires had instance and
commend themselues, I could driue her then
ward of her purity, her reputation, her
and a thousand other her defences,
which now are too‑
too strongly embattaild
against me: what say you too't,
Broome, I will
first make bold with your
money: next, giue
mee your hand: and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall,
if you will, enioy
O good Sir.
I say you shall.
Want no money (Sir
Iohn) you shall want
Mistresse Ford (Master
Broome) you shall
want none: I
shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
appointment, euen as you came in to me, her
stant, or goe‑betweene, parted
from me: I say I shall be
with her betweene ten and
eleuen: for at that time the
iealious‑rascally‑knaue her husband will be
you to me at night, you shall know how I
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
him not: yet I
wrong him to call him poore: They say
wittolly‑knaue hath masses of money, for
his wife seemes to me well‑fauourd: I will vse
as the key of the Cuckoldly‑rogues Coffer, &
I would you knew
Ford, sir, that you might
uoid him, if you saw him.
Hang him, mechanicall‑salt‑butter rogue; I wil
stare him out of his wits: I will awe‑him
with my cud
gell: it shall hang like a Meteor ore
the Cuckolds horns:
Broome, thou shalt know, I will predominate o
the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
to me soone at night:
Ford's a knaue, and I will aggra
uate his stile:
Broome) shalt know him
knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night.
What a damn'd EpicurianߛRascall is this? my
heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to him, the
howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue
thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers
ransack'd, my reputati
on gnawne at, and I
shall not onely receiue this villainous
stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
by him that does mee this wrong: Termes,
Amaimon sounds well:
well: yet they are Diuels
additions, the names of fiends:
Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe
hath not such a name.
Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee
will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will
Fleming with my
with my Cheese, an
with my Aqua‑vitæ‑bottle,
or a Theefe
to walke my ambling gelding, then
my wife with her
selfe. Then she plots, then shee rumi
then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
hearts they may effect; they will breake
their hearts but
they will effect. Heauen bee
prais'd for my iealousie:
the howre, I will preuent this, detect
my wife, bee
and laugh at
will about it,
better three houres too soone, then a my
late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold,