Actus Secundus. Scœna
Prima.
[Act 2, Scene 1]
Enter Mistris Page,
Mistris Ford,
Master Page,
Master
Ford,
Pistoll, Nim, Quickly, Host, Shallow.
Mist.Page.
[530]
What, haue scap'd Loue‑letters in the
holly‑day‑time of my beauty, and am I now a
subiect
for them? let me see?
Aske me no reason why I loue you, for though
Loue vse Rea
son for his precisian, hee admits him
not for his Counsailour:
[535]
you are not yong, no more am I:
goe to then, there's simpathie:
you are merry, so
am I: ha, ha, then there's more simpathie:
you loue
sacke, and so do I: would you desire better simpathie?
Let
it suffice thee (Mistris Page) at the least if
the Loue of
Souldier can suffice, that I loue thee:
I will not say pitty mee,
[540]
'tis not a
Souldier‑like phrase; but I say, loue me:
By me, thine owne true Knight, by day or
night:
Or any kinde of light, with all his
might,
For thee to fight. Iohn
Falstaffe.
What a
Herod of
Iurie is this? O wicked, wicked world:
[545]
One that is well‑nye worne to peeces with age
To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaied
Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with
The Deuills name) out of my conuersation, that he dares
In this manner assay me? why, hee hath not beene thrice
[550]
In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then
Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile
Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe
of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd
I
will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Mis.Ford.
[555]
Mistris Page, trust me, I was
going to your
house.
Mis.Page.
And trust me, I was comming to you: you
looke very
ill.
Mis.Ford.
Nay Ile nere beleeee that; I haue to shew
to the
contrary.
Mis.Page.
'Faith but you doe in my minde.
Mis.Ford.
Well: I doe then: yet I say, I could shew
[560]
you to the
contrary: O Mistris
Page, giue mee
some
counsaile.
Mis.Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mi.Ford.
O woman: if it were not for one trifling
re
spect,I could come to such honour.
Mi.Page.
Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour:
[565]
what is it?
dispence with trifles: what is it?
Mi.Ford.
If I would but goe to hell, for an eternall
moment, or so:
I could be knighted.
Mi.Page.
What thou liest? Sir
Alice Ford?
these
Knights will hacke, and so thou shouldst not alter the
ar
[570]
ticle of thy Gentry.
Mi.Ford.
Wee burne day‑light: heere, read, read:
perceiue how
I might bee knighted, I shall thinke the
worse of fat men,
as long as I haue an eye to make diffe
rence of
mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:
[575]
praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and
wel‑
behaued reproofe to al vncomelinesse, that I
would haue
sworne his disposition would haue gone to the
truth of
his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep
place
together, then the hundred Psalms to the tune of
Greensleeues: What tempest (I troa) threw this Whale, (with
[580]
so many
Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor?
How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way
were, to entertaine him with hope, till the wicked
fire
of lust haue melted him in his owne
greace: Did you e
uer heare the like?
Mis.Page.
[585]
Letter for letter; but that the name of
Page and
Ford differs: to thy
great comfort in this my
stery of ill
opinions, heere's the twyn‑brother of thy
Let
ter: but let thine inherit first,
for I protest mine neuer
shall: I warrant he hath a
thousand of these Letters, writ
[590]
with blancke‑space
for different names (sure more): and
these are of
the second edition: hee will print them out
of doubt: for
he cares not what hee puts into the presse,
when he would
put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse,
and lye vnder
Mount
Pelion: Well; I will find you
twen
[595]
tie lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste
man.
Mis.Ford.
Why this is the very same: the very hand:
the very words:
what doth he thinke of vs?
Mis.Page.
Nay I know not: it makes me almost rea
die to
wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine
[600]
my
selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for
sure
vnlesse hee know some straine in mee, that I know
not my selfe, hee would neuer haue boorded me in this
furie.
Mi.Ford.
Boording, call you it? Ile bee sure to keepe
[605]
him aboue
decke.
Mi.Page.
So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches,
Ile neuer to Sea
againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's
appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in
his Suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till
hee
[610]
hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the
Garter.
Mi.Ford.
Nay, I wil consent to act any villany against
him,
that may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh
that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall
food to his iealousie.
Mis.Page.
[615]
Why look where he comes; and my good
man too: hee's
as farre from iealousie, as I am from gi
uing him
cause, and that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable
di
stance.
Mis.Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mis.Page.
[620]
Let's consult together against this greasie
Knight: Come hither.
Ford.
Well: I hope, it be not so.
Pist.
Hope is a curtall‑dog in some affaires:
Sir
Iohn affects thy
wife.
Ford.
[625]
Why sir, my wife is not young.
Pist.
He wooes both high and low, both rich & poor,
both yong
and old, one with another (
Ford) he loues
the
Gally‑mawfry (
Ford) perpend.
Ford.
Loue my wife?
Pist.
With liuer, burning hot: preuent:
[630]
Or goe thou like Sir
Acteon he,
with
Ring‑wood at thy heeles: O, odious is the name.
Ford.
What name Sir?
Pist.
The horne I say: Farewell:
Take heed, haue open eye, for theeues doe foot by night.
[635]
Take heed, ere sommer comes, or Cuckoo‑birds do sing.
Away sir Corporall
Nim:
Beleeue it (
Page) he speakes sence.
Ford.
I will be patient: I will find out this.
Nim.
And this is true: I like not the humor of lying:
[640]
hee hath
wronged mee in some humors: I should haue
borne the
humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword:
and it
shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife;
There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall
Nim: I speak, and I auouch; 'tis true: my
name is
Nim:
[645]
and
Falstaffe loues your wife: adieu, I loue not
the hu
mour of bread and cheese: adieu.
Page.
The humour of it (quoth'a?) heere's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.
Ford.
I will seeke out
Falstaffe.
Page.
I neuer heard such a drawling‑affecting
rogue.
Ford.
[650]
If I doe finde it: well.
Page.
I will not beleeue such a
Cataian, though
the
Priest o' th' Towne commended him for a true
man.
Ford.
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Page.
How now
Meg?
Mist.Page.
Whether goe you (
George?) harke you.
Mis.Ford.
[655]
How now (sweet
Frank) why art thou
me
lancholy?
Ford.
I melancholy? I am not melancholy:
Get you home: goe.
Mis.Ford.
Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head,
Now: will you goe,
Mistris Page?
Mis.Page.
[660]
Haue with you: you'll come to dinner
George? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall
bee our
Messenger to this paltrie Knight.
Mis.Ford.
Trust me, I thought on her: shee'll fit
it.
Mis.Page.
You are come to see my daughter
Anne?
Qui.
[665]
I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse
Anne?
Mis.Page.
Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres
talke with
you.
Page.
How now Master Ford?
For.
You heard what this knaue told me, did you not?
Page.
Yes, and you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
[670]
Doe you thinke there is truth in them?
Pag.
Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight
would
offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wiues, are a yoake of his discarded men:
ve‑
ry rogues, now they be out of seruice.
Ford.
[675]
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry were they.
Ford.
I like it neuer the beter for that,
Do's he lye at the Garter?
Page.
I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voy
[680]
age
toward my wife, I would turne her loose to him;
and
what hee gets more of her, then sharpe words, let it
lye
on my head.
Ford.
I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee
loath to turne
them together: a man may be too confi
[685]
dent: I would
haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot
be thus
satisfied.
Page.
Looke where my ranting‑Host of the Garter
comes: there is eyther liquor in his pate, or mony in his
purse, when hee lookes so merrily: How now mine
[690]
Host?
Host.
How now Bully‑Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman
Caueleiro Iustice, I say.
Shal.
I follow, (mine Host) I follow: Good‑euen,
and
twenty (good Master
Page.)
Master
Page, wil you go
[695]
with
vs? we haue sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him Caueleiro‑Iustice: tell him
Bully‑
Rooke.
Shall.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought, betweene Sir
Hugh the Welch Priest, and
Caius the French Doctor.
Ford.
Good mine Host o'th' Garter: a word with
you.
Host.
What saist thou, my Bully‑Rooke?
Shal.
[700]
Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry
Host hath
had the measuring of their weapons; and (I
thinke) hath
appointed them contrary places: for (be
leeue mee)
I heare the Parson is no Iester: harke, I will
tell
you what our sport shall be.
Host.
[705]
Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my
guest‑
Caualeire?
Shal.
None, I protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of
burn'd sacke, to giue me recourse to him, and tell
him
my name is
Broome: onely for a
iest.
Host.
My hand, (Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and
[710]
regresse,
(said I well?) and thy name shall be
Broome. It
is a merry Knight: will you goe
An‑heires?
Shal.
Haue with you mine Host.
Page.
I haue heard the Frenchߛman hath good skill
in his
Rapier.
Shal.
Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these
[715]
times you
stand on distance: your Passes, Stoccado's,
and
I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master
Page) 'tis heere,
'tis heere: I haue seene the time, with my
long‑sword, I
would haue made you fowre tall
fellowes skippe like
Rattes.
Host.
[720]
Heere boyes, heere, heere: shall we wag?
Page.
Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold,
then
fight.
Ford.
Though
Page be a secure foole, and stands so
firmely on his wiues frailty; yet, I cannot
put‑off my o
pinion so easily: she was in
his company at
Pages house:
[725]
and
what they made there, I know not. Well, I wil looke
further into't, and I haue a disguise, to sound
Falstaffe; if
I finde
her honest, I loose not my labor: if she be
other
wise, 'tis labour well
bestowed.
Exeunt.