Scœna Secunda
[Act 2, Scene 2]
Enter Falstaffe,
Pistoll, Robin, Quickly, Bardolffe,
Ford.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
[730]
Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I,
with sword will open.
Fal.
Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you
should lay my
countenance to pawne: I haue grated vp
on my good
friends for three Repreeues for you, and
your
Coach‑fellow
Nim; or else you had
look'd through
[735]
the grate, like a Geminy of
Baboones: I am damn'd in
hell, for swearing to
Gentlemen my friends, you were
good Souldiers, and
tall‑fellowes. And when Mistresse
Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I
took't vpon mine ho
nour thou hadst it
not.
Pist.
[740]
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
pence?
Fal.
Reason, you roague, reason: thinkst thou Ile
en
danger my soule,
gratis?
at a word, hang no more about
mee, I am no gibbet for you:
goe, a short knife, and a
throng, to your Mannor of
Pickt‑hatch: goe, you'll not
[745]
beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon
your
honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is
as much
as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor
precise:
I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of
heauen on
the left hand, and hiding mine
honor in my necessity, am
[750]
faine to shufflle: to
hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you
Rogue, will
en‑sconce your raggs; your
Cat‑a‑Moun
taine‑lookes, your
red‑lattice phrases, and your bold‑
beating‑oathes, vnder the shelter of your honor?
you
will not doe it? you?
Pist.
[755]
I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
Robin.
Sir, here's a woman would speake with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Qui.
Giue your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Good‑morrow, good‑wife.
Qui.
[760]
Not so, and't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid then.
Qui.
Ile be sworne,
As my mother was the first houre I was borne.
Fal.
I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
Qui.
[765]
Shall I vouch‑safe your worship a word, or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
thee the
hearing.
Qui.
There is one Mistresse
Ford, (Sir) I
pray come a
little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell
with M. Doctor
Caius:
Fal.
[770]
Well, on; Mistresse
Ford, you
say.
Qui.
Your worship saies very true: I pray your wor
ship
come a little neerer this waies.
Fal.
I warrant thee, no‑bodie heares: mine owne
people,
mine owne people
Qui.
[775]
Are they so? heauen‑blesse them, and make
them his
Seruants.
Fal.
Well; Mistresse
Ford, what of
her?
Qui.
Why, Sir; shee's a good‑creature; Lord, Lord,
your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you,
[780]
and all of vs, I pray—
Fal.
Mistresse
Ford: come,
Mistresse
Ford.
Qui.
Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you
haue
brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis
wonder
full: the best Courtier of them all
(when the Court lay
[785]
at
Windsor)
could neuer haue brought her to such a Ca
narie:
yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and
Gen
tlemen, with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach
after
Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift,
smelling so sweet
ly; all Muske, and so rushling, I
warrant you, in silke
[790]
and golde, and in such alligant
termes, and in such wine
and suger of the best, and
the fairest, that would haue
wonne any womans heart:
and I warrant you, they could
neuer get an
eyeߛwinke of her: I had my selfe twentie
Angels
giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in
[795]
any such
sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and
I
warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe
on
a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has
beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I
warrant you all is one with her.
Fal.
[800]
But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
shee‑
Mercurie.
Qui.
Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
which
she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
you to
notifie, that her husband will be absence from his
house, betweene ten and eleuen.
Fal.
[805]
Ten, and eleuen.
Qui.
I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the
picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master
Ford her hus
band will be from home: alas, the
sweet woman leades
an ill life with him: hee's a
very iealousie‑man; she leads
[810]
a very frampold life
with him, (good hart.)
Fal.
Ten, and eleuen.
Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her.
Qui.
Why, you say well: But I haue another messen
ger to
your worship: Mistresse
Page hath
her heartie
[815]
commendations to you to: and let mee tell you
in your
eare, shee's as fartuous a ciuill
modest wife, and one (I
tell you) that will not
misse you morning nor euening
prayer, as any is in
Windsor, who ere bee the other: and
shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is
sel
[820]
dome from home, but she hopes there will come a
time.
I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I haue no other charmes.
Qui.
[825]
Blessing on your heart for't.
Fal.
But I pray thee tell me this: has
Fords
wife, and
Pages wife acquainted
each other, how they loue me?
Qui.
That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris
Page
[830]
would desire you to send her
your little Page of al loues:
her husband has a maruellous
infectiōinfection
to the little Page:
and truely
Master
Page is an honest man:
neuer a wife in
Windsor leades a
better life then she do's: doe what shee
will, say
what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when
[835]
she
list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and
truly she
deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in
Windsor, she
is one: you must
send her your Page, no remedie.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Qu.
Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may
[840]
come and goe
betweene you both: and in any case haue
a nay‑word,
that you may know one anothers minde,
and the Boy neuer
neede to vnderstand any thing; for'
tis not good
that children should know any wickednes:
olde folkes you
know, haue discretion, as they say, and
[845]
know the
world.
Fal.
Farethee‑well, commend mee to them both:
there's my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe
along
with this woman, this newes distracts
me.
Pist.
This Puncke is one of
Cupids Carriers,
[850]
Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your fights:
Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all.
Fal.
Saist thou so (old
Iacke) go thy
waies: Ile make
more of thy olde body then I haue done: will
they yet
looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of
so much
[855]
money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee:
let
them say 'tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done,
no
matter.
Bar.
Sir
Iohn, there's one Master
Broome below would
faine speake
with you, and be acquainted with you; and
[860]
hath sent your
worship a mornings draught of Sacke.
Fal.
Broome is his name?
Bar.
I Sir.
Fal.
Call him in: such
Broomes are welcome to
mee,
that ore'flowes such liquor: ah ha,
Mistresse
Ford and
Mi
[865]
stresse
Page, haue
I encompass'd you? goe to,
via.
Ford.
'Blesse you sir.
Fal.
And you sir: would you speake with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to presse, with so little prepara
tion
vpon you.
Fal.
[870]
You'r welcome, what's your will? giue vs leaue
Drawer.
Ford.
Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much,
my name is
Broome.
Fal.
Good Master
Broome, I desire more
acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good Sir
Iohn, I sue for yours: not to
charge
you, for I must let you vnderstand, I
thinke my selfe in
[875]
better plight for a
Lender, then you are: the which hath
something emboldned
me to this vnseason'd intrusion:
for they say, if
money goe before, all waies doe lye
open.
Fal.
Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on.
Ford.
[880]
Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere trou
bles me:
if you will helpe to beare it (Sir
Iohn)
take all,
or halfe, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your
Porter.
Ford.
I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the
hea
ring.
Fal.
[885]
Speake (good Master
Broome) I shall
be glad to
be your Seruant.
Ford.
Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
with
you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me,
though I
had neuer so good means as desire, to make my
[890]
selfe
acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
you,
wherein I must very much lay open mine owne
im
perfection: but (good Sir
Iohn) as you haue one eye vp
on my follies,
as you heare them vnfolded, turne another
into the
Register of your owne, that I may passe with a
[895]
reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it
is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her
husbands name is
Ford.
Fal.
Well Sir.
Ford.
[900]
I haue long lou'd her, and I protest to you,
be
stowed much on her: followed her with a
doating ob
seruance: Ingross'd opportunities
to meete her: fee'd e
uery slight occasion
that could but nigardly giue mee
sight of her: not only
bought many presents to giue her,
[905]
but haue giuen largely
to many, to know what shee
would haue giuen:
briefly, I haue pursu'd her, as Loue
hath
pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all
occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my
minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued
[910]
none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue
purcha
sed at an infinite rate, and that hath
taught mee to say
this,
“Loue like
a shadow flies, when substance Loue pursues,
“Pursuing that that flies, and flying what
pursues.
Fal.
[915]
Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford.
Neuer.
Fal.
Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Neuer.
Fal.
Of what qualitie was your loue then?
Ford.
[920]
Like a fair house, built on another mans ground,
so that I
haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place,
where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
For.
When I haue told you that, I haue told you all:
[925]
Some say,
that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in
other places
shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there
is shrewd
construction made of her. Now (Sir
Iohn) here
is the heart of my purpose:
you are a gentleman of ex
cellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admit
[930]
tance,
authenticke in your place and person, generally
allow'd for your many war⸗like,
court‑like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O Sir.
Ford.
Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money,
[935]
spend it,
spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely
giue me so much of your time
in enchange of it, as to lay
an amiable siege to the
honesty of this
Fords wife: vse
your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
man may, you may as soone as any.
Fal.
[940]
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection that I should win what you would
enioy? Me
thinkes you prescribe to your selfe very
preposterously.
Ford.
O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
on the
excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule
[945]
dares
not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
against. Now, could I come to her with any
detection
in my hand; my desires had instance and
argument to
commend themselues, I could driue her then
from the
ward of her purity, her reputation, her
marriage‑vow,
[950]
and a thousand other her defences,
which now are too‑
too strongly embattaild
against me: what say you too't,
Sir
Iohn?
Fal.
Master
Broome, I will
first make bold with your
money: next, giue
mee your hand: and last, as I am a
[955]
gentleman, you shall,
if you will, enioy
Fords wife.
Ford.
O good Sir.
Fal.
I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money (Sir
Iohn) you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no
Mistresse Ford (Master
Broome) you shall
[960]
want none: I
shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
owne
appointment, euen as you came in to me, her
assi
stant, or goe‑betweene, parted
from me: I say I shall be
with her betweene ten and
eleuen: for at that time the
iealious‑rascally‑knaue her husband will be
forth: come
[965]
you to me at night, you shall know how I
speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford Sir?
Fal.
Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
him not: yet I
wrong him to call him poore: They say
the iealous
wittolly‑knaue hath masses of money, for
[970]
the which
his wife seemes to me well‑fauourd: I will vse
her
as the key of the Cuckoldly‑rogues Coffer, &
ther's
my haruest‑home.
Ford.
I would you knew
Ford, sir, that you might
a
uoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
[975]
Hang him, mechanicall‑salt‑butter rogue; I wil
stare him out of his wits: I will awe‑him
with my cud
gell: it shall hang like a Meteor ore
the Cuckolds horns:
Master
Broome, thou shalt know, I will predominate o
uer
the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
[980]
to me soone at night:
Ford's a knaue, and I will aggra
uate his stile:
thou (Master
Broome) shalt know him
for
knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night.
Ford.
What a damn'd EpicurianߛRascall is this? my
heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
is
[985]
improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to him, the
howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue
thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers
ransack'd, my reputati
on gnawne at, and I
shall not onely receiue this villainous
[990]
wrong, but
stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
termes, and
by him that does mee this wrong: Termes,
names:
Amaimon sounds well:
Lucifer, well:
Barbason,
well: yet they are Diuels
additions, the names of fiends:
But Cuckold,
Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe
[995]
hath not such a name.
Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee
will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will
rather
trust a
Fleming with my
butter, Parson
Hugh the
Welsh
man
with my Cheese, an
Irish‑man
with my Aqua‑vitæ‑bottle,
or a Theefe
to walke my ambling gelding, then
[1000]
my wife with her
selfe. Then she plots, then shee rumi
nates,
then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
hearts they may effect; they will breake
their hearts but
they will effect. Heauen bee
prais'd for my iealousie:
eleuen o'clocke
the howre, I will preuent this, detect
[1005]
my wife, bee
reueng'd on
Falstaffe,
and laugh at
Page. I
will about it,
better three houres too soone, then a my
nute too
late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold,
Cuckold.
Exti.
